WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

It's time to ban history for good.

Who needs context anyway?

I'm doing just fine and this is upsetting me so can we let it go already???

Without history, we could live blissfully unaware of the origins of our society, culture, and political system. Who needs context when we can just keep making the same mistakes over and over again?

Ignorance is bliss.

By banning history, we can protect ourselves from having to confront the not-so-pretty aspects of our past. After all, if we don't know about it, it didn't happen, right?

We don't need it.

Historical figures who fought for justice, equality, and freedom? Overrated. By banning history, we can avoid learning about these inspiring individuals and continue to admire celebrities for their latest Instagram posts.

Prohibition Works Great!

If you're constantly reminded how can you be expected to finally forget?

No More Awkward Conversations: Are you tired of history sparking uncomfortable discussions? Ban history, and you'll never have to worry about pesky debates ever again! Goodbye, critical thinking!

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Guide To Critical Race Theory

A mounting effort by some Republican lawmakers to ban the teaching of critical race theory in U.S. schools has prompted debate about what it is and its place in American education.

Identifying Critical Race Theory

DALLAS, TX—Gathering his wife and children close to him as he shared the tragic news, area conservative Dan Gainey, 66, informed his family Tuesday that Critical Race Theory had spread to his liver. “There’s no easy way to say this, but I just got the diagnosis that I have Critical Race Theory, and soon my body will be completely ravaged by it,” said Gainey of the academic movement focused on studying social and cultural issues through the lens of institutional racism that was reportedly metastasizing within him. “I promise you all I’m going to fight like Hell to lick this thing, but the truth is that it’s a pernicious ideology capable of spreading rapidly, so I probably don’t have all that much longer. I just pray it doesn’t spread to my brain—if you ever hear me rambling incoherently about how the inequalities that spurred the civil rights movements are still with us today, I’m begging you right now to put me out of my misery.” At press time, Gainey sought to comfort his crying family with the promise that if they remembered the U.S. was historically the least racist country on Earth, he would always be with them in spirit.

Q: What is critical race theory?

Answer: An academic concept that racism is a social construct embedded into legal systems, government policies, and in-laws.

Q: Should critical race theory be taught in our schools?

Answer: Not unless we’re aiming for fewer white supremacists.

Q: Won’t teaching it just make other kids hate my white children?

Answer: Your kids are already insufferable and widely despised.

Q: Is it true that critical race theory opposes empiricism and embraces science as a causal mechanism?

Answer: You’re thinking of critical realism theory, moron.

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