In a feat of personal discipline previously thought impossible, Dan Gainey, 66, a retired HVAC estimator whose reading list this year consists of one email forward and the back of a Honey Nut Cheerios box, has reportedly resolved sixty years of unfinished American business by closing a single browser tab. The tab, which displayed a one-paragraph summary of the Voting Rights Act of 1965, was open for approximately eleven seconds before Gainey “got the gist of it” and returned to a YouTube video about leaf blowers.

“I just don’t see why it has to keep coming up,” said Gainey, sipping water from a glass purchased after the events in question. “Frankly, my kid’s a senior.” Gainey added that he was “not a racist guy” and that his wife had a coworker once. Local historians, contacted by phone, were observed slowly lowering their faces into both hands in unison before requesting that all future inquiries be redirected to “literally anyone else.” A substitute teacher reached at a nearby Applebee’s said only, “Yeah. Yeah, that tracks. That’s the whole thing. That’s been the whole thing.”